The Cult of Punxsutawney Phil (Part I: Fucking With Greg)

Life is unpredictable. You never know how one off the cuff decision can impact your future. For example, a few weeks ago I get a last minute invitation from my friend, Bill, to attend his birthday celebration at The Shannon Rose. Normally, I avoid that place like the plague; it’s expensive, the drinks taste watered-down, and there is a very high chance of me running into people I never want to see again. My trepidations aside, I can’t say “no” to a birthday invitation. I muster up the resolve to throw caution to the wind and attend the party.

Hanging out with Bill is always fun. Bill has a strong can-do attitude, and the dedication to follow through on his plans. I admire that quality in people and I feed off it. When I hang out with Bill, hilarity and adventure can arise at any moment. This time was no exception. Our friend, Greg, mentioned a trip to Punxsutawney, PA he took a few years back. He went with a group of our mutual friends to see The Prognosticator of Prognosticators, Punxsutawney Phil on Groundhog’s Day. Greg *hated* the trip, likening it to his own “Vietnam.” Bill and I were convinced it couldn’t be nearly as bad as he said it was. After a few words of discouragement from Greg, we knew we had to venture to Punxsutawney.

The day after the party Bill and I requested February 1st and 2nd off from our respective jobs. The Groundhog Day ceremony is 7:30am, and Punxsutawney is six hours away from us. This had to be an overnight trip. Also, every hotel in the area gets books a lost a year in advance. This meant a six hour drive there, and all-nighter to see the ceremony, and a six hour drive home. Luckily this did not discourage Bill and I even slightly, it actually made the idea more exciting, for us. February 1st 2010 at approximately 11:00am, our vision became reality.

Now, apparently most people didn’t think and off-the-cuff remark and a half drunken vow would actually result in a road trip. I got several texts asking me if was really going, one of them eventually came from Greg. Roughly an hour and thirty minutes into the trip I get a text from Greg inquiring if we really were going through with our insane trip. Considering Greg was the impetus for our excursion, there was only one thing to do; we had to fuck with him.

We had a system; Bill would text him and ask if he wanted to go the High Point Brewery after Bill got outta work. Bill would claim the he was waiting for me to pick him up. Bill would then discover that I left without him. My responses to Greg would more or less be the truth, as long as it didn’t totally give away the fact that Bill was sitting next to me. Everything Bill say would contradict what I said, but we tried to keep it all plausible. Bill actually did all the texting, as I was driving. Bill had the most dead-on assesmrnt of the situation, “I love how all of out road trips eventually degenerate into us thinking of ways to fuck with Greg, remotely.” This got really elaborate, so much so, that we are planning on making ‘Fucking With Greg 2000;’ a special software program designed to help us keep track of our past, current, and future lies to Greg. Yes, we were gonna tell lies to set up future lies. This is what we think of when faced with a 6 hour car trip, be warned.

Later we intentionally slip up and give Greg a huge clue we’re just messing with him, but not actually say it. Bill sent Greg a text message from my phone that referred to a comment he made to Bill roughly an hour earlier. Now, all doubt was removed from Greg’s mind. Greg then decided to get even by fucking with us. He texted Bill and mentioned he had a really bad day and would go to the brewery with him for a much needed drink. This was like Christmas wrapped in The 4th of July, with a little bit MLB Opening Day sprinkled on top. We knew he was fucking with us and he knew we were fucking with him. Without getting into all the convoluted details, the pranks ended after Bill left Greg a voice message saying that was going to abandon any attend to meet up with me in PA and that Billy was now on his way to pick up Greg. By the time this all ended Billy and I were 30 minutes away from our final destination. Yes, roughly four out of six hours of our drive to PA involved us trying to fuck with Greg. Honestly, thank you Greg, you made our trip.